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I just walked across the parking lot where, a few weeks shy of nine years ago, I was overcome by shaking so violent that I couldn't get my key into the lock on the car door. Earlier in the day, I'd left Scandinavian Designs on Highway 4 near Concord, already feelng very poorly. But then I had still possessed the coordination necessary to load several long, heavy flat-pack boxes of furniture into the station wagon. Less than seven hours later, I stood shivering and increasingly desperate for fifteen minutes before I finally got the door locked and could go inside to Borders to use the bathroom and get a coffee. I hadn't been back until tonight and the flashbacks coursing through me are almost too much to bear. It's no exaggeration to say that the bug I had in November, 2000 wrought profoundly negative long-term effects on my life, ones I still deal with on a daily basis. It's enough to make me shiver all over again, even though I'm not sick. Tags: everyday, health, nostalgia, travel
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Today was one of those days when it feels like everything is going from bad to worse, but it's hard to pinpoint what, if anything, is really wrong. I mean, I did spend almost two hours in line waiting to get a car smogged and was frustrated to learn afterwards, when it passed the test, that I could have gone through a much faster line instead. But that's not really a good reason to be so down. My dentist appointment, to have a filling done, was postponed until next week. But it didn't bother me. I just don't know what's up. Maybe it's just that I wanted to go see The Thermals tonight, playing after my former students' band, yet couldn't get motivated to head down to Club Congress, knowing that I'd have to drive up to Phoenix right afterwards. Maybe it's just the realization that Giants are not going to make the playoffs. Or maybe it's the flash of insight I had that the preservation of long-term friendships often proceeds on the basis of a taken-for-granted assumption that they are worth preserving, even after the parties have ceased to have much of anything in common. Who knows? I just hope tomorrow feels better, even if it's objectively worse. Tags: analysis, everyday, health
Current Location: 85704
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Believe it or not, despite my sickly reputation I don't get a lot of colds. Maybe one a year, on average. And it's been longer than that since I last had one. But now I do. The strange thing is, as miserable as I feel in some ways, I have this strange sensation that it's a good cold, one I needed to have. Some of that has to do with the fact that it has accompanied -- and was no doubt triggered by -- my resumption of teaching this week. If getting a cold were always the price I had to pay for securing the classes I want, I'd happily sign up. There's more than that to the sensation. For whatever reason, when I have a cold I actually get more logical and efficient in the actions I do take, even if I'm slowed down enough to scale back the work I can accomplish. It's like my mind and body cooperate for once, agreeing that, given the limited resources at their disposal, they will work in tandem, without raising needless objections or spurting off in wasteful tangents. Tags: analysis, everyday, health
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We're going to experience something this week that I've managed to avoid in my nine years living in Tucson. Although this year's Monsoon season has already arrived, a little earlier than the average start date, its effects on the weather are going to disappear almost entirely over the next week. I know that such a reversion to the worst days of June is not that uncommon, statistically. I'm pretty sure it has happened, to a lesser extent, since I moved here. I was out of town, though, and didn't have to bear the brunt of the disappointment. In a way, this may actually work out better in the long run, provided the Monsoon effects return with full force later. This year's Monsoon didn't arrive with the dramatic shift in weather that makes its longed-for return so exciting. June was cooler than usual. And the humidity built up gradually. Indeed, the weather was sufficiently mild that the brutality of the first storm of the season, which usually breaks numerous branches off of our mesquite trees, was tempered. While I'm not eager to deal with the consequences of microbursts -- those are the brief, hurricane-strength gusts that do most of the damage during thunderstorms here -- I could definitely benefit from the thrill of a violent storm that comes raging in after several days of brutal dry heat. But if someone up at central command is reading this, I would greatly prefer it if this round of foreplay led to a climax at the beginning of next week, rather than deferring it further into July. I can handle 110 degrees for a day or two, if release is coming. Longer than that, though, and my emotional weather will take a severe turn for the worse. Tags: everyday, health, tucson, weather
Current Location: 85704
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Today was a good day, all the better since it came on the heels of an extremely challenging month. Something has shifted in the weight on my mind, making me feel more light on my existential feet. The arrival of the Monsoon has certainly helped to improve my mood, but there are other factors in this change. Seeing the excellent Public Enemies this afternoon was a great pleasure, for example. Also, I had a great time bowling earlier this week, when I notched my second-highest score ever. It's not a very good score, I realize, but personally significant since my other scores in that range all came when I had been bowling regularly for months. Tags: autobiography, everyday, health
Current Location: 85704
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I had good thoughts earlier today, sparked by reading cultural theory about taste and Haruki Murakami's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. But they didn't stick in my mind, cluttered as it is with the details of dosages and dependency. I'm hoping that I can retrieve them with the help of the tape flags I use, obsessively, to mark passages of interest. The problem, as always, is that I'm interested in too much. Still, it's better than living one's life waiting for the next round of pills. As William S. Burroughs might have said, addiction is the antithesis of taste because it pushes the body to reduce all stimulus into simple maintenance. You can only build something new if you allow yourself room for improvement. Tags: everyday, health, reading, theory
Current Location: 85704
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In many ways, today was about as lovely as Tucson gets. Cool in the morning, warm and sunny in the afternoon, cool again at night, it almost felt like summer in Big Sur. Unfortunately, the wind also recalled California's most weather-beaten coastline. I knew it was going to be rough for the pollen-suffering people here when not only the paper and cardboard recycling kept blowing away this morning, but the bottles and cans as well. One of the reasons why it's so beautiful right now is that the Palo Verde trees are completely covered in their gorgeous yellow flowers. When it's windy, though, the pollen in those flowers takes off, forming clouds that look more like a bee swarm than anything you can inhale. I am greatly pleased with myself for not succumbing to the temptation to take an antihistamine. But my reward for such fortitude is to feel like I'm trudging through a Slurpee in a blindfold, desperately seeking the sleep of rhyme and reason. That's why I'm headed to bed instead of pursuing a more active agenda. Tags: everyday, health, tucson, weather
Current Location: 85704
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Medication is so unpredictable. I'm often struck by how deeply even supposedly mild over-the-counter pharmaceuticals can affect me. A few weeks ago, the rapid onset of Tucson's prime allergy season and my decision to stop taking the nasal steroids I'd used the past two years led me to seek a new means of relief. Seemingly everywhere I turned people were recommending Zyrtec, saying that it achieved results where other antihistamines had failed. So I tried it. A full dose made me feel dreadful, simultaneously wired and semi-comatose. So I tried a half dose, which was a little easier on my soul, but still pretty burdensome. Sure, my allergy symptoms diminished markedly. Since Benadryl works even better for those, however, and Claritin affects me less negatively, I decided I'd put the Zyrtec away. This morning, though, when I woke up with what turned out to be a cold on top of allergies, but initially felt like the worst allergy symptoms ever, I opened the cabinet and saw the almost-full bottle of Zyrtec staring me in the face. "Maybe the last time I took it was an anomaly," I thought to myself, deciding to give the medicine another shot. So I took another half dose. And, boy, do I ever feel. . . like taking a swan dive off the Tower Bridge. That's a Craig Ferguson reference for ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) barca_k, who brightened my day with the comedian's monologue on treating alcoholism. Unfortunately, the clouds returned almost immediately. I actually sat down here to write that I've never felt less capable of real writing than I do at present. But then I remembered that it was only two days ago that I was flush with good ideas and the enthusiasm to realize them. Clearly, my self-assessment was the product of Zyrtec more than any kind of existential crisis. Or, rather, the Zyrtec amplified my ongoing existential crisis -- everybody has one, right? -- to such a degree that I felt like I was living inside The Cure's Pornography album, which makes a lot of sense, since I decided to listen to that one today, with Disintegration as a chaser, round about the time that the Zyrtec started to turn my spirit into vapor. Don't get me wrong. I like nothing better when I'm feeling bad than to climb inside a Cure song and shut the door to the outside world. It's just that I'd rather do that on my own initiative rather than that of a drug. The worst aspect of today's doldrums is that, because I actually have a cold, the Zyrtec did absolutely nothing to control the symptoms -- scratchy throat, runny nose -- that were bothering me the most. Think of it as the anti-Valium. Tags: analysis, everyday, health
Current Location: 85704
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Allergy season has ramped up with astonishing speed over the past week, excessively hot as it has been. The past two years I was taking nasal steroids to deal with the headaches, scratchy throat and general irritability. But I decided in the fall to wean myself off them, since I had also begun taking inhaled steroids for my asthma. I'd noticed diminishment of the antihistamine effect over time and was increasingly plagued by nosebleeds. I haven't regretted that decision until now. I definitely need the steroids for my asthma, but can presumably get by with my other allergy symptoms by taking antihistamines as needed. The problem with that approach, however, is that antihistamines often make me unpleasant to be around, shortening my fuse and draining my voice of all warmth, and also tend to make me both tired and wired. I dozed off yesterday after taking Benadryl, long before my usual bedtime, but then woke up around midnight and couldn't get to sleep. Because I'd heard good things about Zyrtec, I decided to give it a go tonight. The idea of taking a single pill for a whole day's improvement appealed to me. And I liked the fact that it wasn't supposed to make you too drowsy. Well, friends, it's 3am here and I am most assuredly not drowsy. Unfortunately, I also have the urge to putter and the sense that I should have a beer or two to take the edge off. To say that I'm responding to the drug as if it were a stimulant would be a gross understatement. Tags: everyday, health
Current Location: 85704
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For years, many of the people I speak with regularly have responded to my monologues on the problem of "particulate matter" with varying degrees of mockery. When I have tried to explain that just one particle can trigger a reaction in me that costs me days of productivity or worse, they have raised eyebrows and insinuated that my troubles may be mental. And my complaints about the start of the season when people in Tucson -- mostly old people, who get cold even when it isn't -- start burning wood for heat have inspired particular impatience, as if they were a sign of my beginning to come unhinged. Well, perhaps they are. But the article on wood-burning fireplaces I'm reading right now, from the February, 2009 issue of Sunset magazine, has fortified my conviction that the design I discern on the yellow wallpaper isn't just in my head. Consider this part, in which Lori Kobza from the Sacramento Metropolitan Air Quality Management District holds forth: Kobza explained that woodsmoke causes almost 50 percent of the fine particulate matter in the fall and winter. And that those particles are "so fine they can get into your lungs and bloodstream, and can cause heart disease and stroke. Particulate matter is unhealthy even for healthy people to breathe." Add to this information the fact that woodsmoke is a more potent carcinogen than tobacco smoke and you can see why many places have banned the burning of wood, unless under tightly controlled conditions. Since Pima County, Arizona is a place where such regulations either do not exist or are not seriously enforced, however, folks like me get to spend a few months each year on pins and needles, wondering whether we are going to passively inhale something that sends our health into a steep downward spiral. Tags: health, rant
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I've been away the last few days, but not because I was having fun. The adverse reaction I had to wood smoke on Christmas, after going for a long bicycle ride, turned out to be the sign that I was about to come down with the flu. Maybe my body responds to respiratory triggers, since the last time I had such a strong reaction to inhaled smoke was at work, when hours of vicarious cigarettes inspired a severe asthma attack that següed seamlessly into pneumonia. Given my medical history in these parts, I was worried that the same thing would happen this time. But I seem to be on the mend, with only slight coughing to bother me at night. This is another indication that the inhaled steroids have made significant inroads in addressing my breathing troubles. Sometimes I berate myself for not starting to use them sooner. Then I remember that I did try them, several times, but had too many side effects or too little improvement. It wasn't until I tried QVAR -- otherwise known as beclomethasone dipropionate HFA -- that I noticed significant positive changes without any negatives I could perceive. I guess matching steroids with patients is still a hit or miss affair. Anyway, this is all by way of reporting that I'm glad to be back here, even if the Live Journal population is sparse at this time of year, and am actually feeling stronger today than I did before coming down with the flu. That may be a function of contrast, since I felt so dreadful right after Christmas, but I'll happily partake of the illusion. Tags: everyday, health, humor
Current Location: 85704
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I had to take the car in to the shop today. Rather than forcing my daughter to leave the house -- she was intent on spending the whole day at home -- I decided to bring my bike and ride back. I know that some of you are the sort of riders who are used to pedaling long distances over hill and dale. For me, though, the fact that I was able to make it all the way from First and River to my house without once having to put my foot down -- I made all the lights and fudged the two stop signs -- feels like a major accomplishment. What I'm proudest of, interestingly, is not that I had the strength and respiratory capacity to climb five hundred feet and do so quickly enough that I made the whole eight-mile trip in under forty minutes, but that I managed to shift the bike properly for once. When I ride in my neighborhood, I typically spend most of my time in the highest gear. It may constitute "weightlifting" instead of bicycling, as my velo-mad friend Eric once asserted, but it gets me the workout I want as fast as possible. Needless to say, though, the hills I climbed today are not the sort that can be taken in that gear. Plus, the portion above Ina -- I took Christie to Magee instead of turning left and heading down to Oracle -- consists of a couple short, steep ascents and descents in succession. I had to shift a lot, yet managed to do it without messing up. I hope you will pardon me, then, for patting myself on the back. Tags: everyday, health
Current Location: 85704
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I'm still in the middle of seemingly endless grading. And grading is an activity I like less than almost anything on the planet. I'd rather scrub the inside of a toilet bowl with a toothbrush, to be honest. That makes me tired and perhaps a little high on cleaning fumes. But it doesn't make me feel as stupid as grading does. I like most of my students, too. I have some incredibly smart ones this semester, not to mention a host of others whom I respect for working hard. What makes me feel stupid is not so much the fact that I have to read sentences that I would never make public myself, though that does temporarily diminish my own capacity to write, but the realization that grading, at least in the humanities, is far too inexact to be considered a science. I do my very best to treat students equally, while also making allowances for their individual characteristics. Still, the fact remains that I spend more time on the first few papers in a stack than the ones on the bottom and, further, that the longer I spend grading a paper, the less likely I am to approve of it. I have techniques for mitigating this bias. I make sure that the person I grade first for one assignment is the person I grade last on the next. I pick a random paper at various points in the stack and set a timer so that I am sure to give it extra scrutiny. I even read quickly through the entire stack and reorder it so that the papers with more problems are on top. For all that, though, I rarely feel that the grading of papers and exams leads to a decisive judgment student work. On the contrary, I usually end up having to fall back on class participation, the category in which my own subjective preferences loom largest. It's enough to make me wish that I never had to grade like this again. Wishes aside, it 's more than enough to prod me into giving higher grades than I would like simply because I want to correct for my own potential bias. Tags: autobiography, everyday, health
Current Location: 85704
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Name: Charlie Bertsch
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You're looking at content from my Live Journal, which I have been keeping since 2003. I consider it a personal blog, though it lacks stream-of-consciousness revelations that typify that genre.
That said, if you manage to discern the confessional mode within entries that are superficially tight-lipped, I will reward you handsomely. Or at least pretend to do so.
In addition to reflections, however mediated, on my daily activities, De File features periodic excavations of material from my "files," a revelation sure to disturb anyone who has seen my garage. It's an experiment in integrating past and present, perhaps with a little redemption along the way.
Politics is always on my mind, but rarely explicit here. I’m working on a theory about what personal writing like this does to literary identification and why some people resist its pull so powerfully. But my goal is to make that theory dissolve in my practice, a density in liquid.
You'll note that I have links to blogs not on LiveJournal directly above, as well as assorted websites of note. The blogs I read regularly on LiveJournal itself fall under "FRIENDS" at the top, for those of you unfamiliar with LJ’s workings.
You can write me. I'm "cbertsch" before the circle-a and "comcast.net" after it. |
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