I couldn't give two turds about any of the professional sports teams in Boston, but I still want Bill Simmons to do a running commentary on a few hours of my life. His take on last night's first game of the NBA finals -- the watching of which I skipped, BTW, to play full-court basketball on concrete, outdoors -- is undoubtedly more fun than the game itself was. Here's a sample:
7:53: Our first ridiculously wuss-tastic flagrant foul of the night: Gooden getting whistled on a breakaway foul where he kindasorta cuffed Ginobili's neck, who then reacted like he was being gunned down by a firing squad. We're about 20 years away from this game becoming a noncontact sport like women's lacrosse. I'm telling you.This is way more funny than your average sitcom. Simmons has the perfect delivery, which is hard to achieve on the page. I'm sure the Van Gundy comment was funny when he uttered it, but I'm also willing to bet that it's a lot funnier here, shorn of the stupidities that surely dampened its fire.
7:56: A 3-pointer for Hacksaw Bruce Bowen, followed by Duncan using and abusing Varejao on the low block for the McHale Memorial Up-And-Under. Spurs by 15.
(Note to ABC: Start making plans to return that ad money for Games 6 and 7. Might want to get it in motion a little early.)
7:58: Our score after three: Spurs 64, Cavs 49. Meanwhile, there's a good chance that Van Gundy is getting a $100 bonus from ABC every time he says the phrase "plantar fasciitis." He might outscore LeBron tonight.
8:01: Whoops, it looks like the NBA and ABC didn't get my order: I specifically said, "Gimme the NBA Finals and hold the David Blaine."
8:04: Big Shot Rob's on the board with a 3 -- Spurs by 18. Mike Breen is starting to sound depressed that he didn't call the Mavs-Warriors series. I don't blame him.
8:05: More comedy from Van Gundy: During a story about how Varejao didn't speak any English when he joined the NBA, then learned the language with help from Zydrunas Ilgauskas -- and by the way, this has all the makings of a great sitcom -- Van Gundy interjects, "And you know the first word he learned? Flop!" Send the writing Emmy to Bruce Vilanch's house right now.
8:11: Well, ABC is premiering a reality show in which Shaq tries to get six kids with weight problems to get in shape. And you know what? That's too easy. Any joke is too easy for that one. I'm abstaining. There's a 0.0 degree of difficulty.