February 16th, 2008

Another Example of Why Bill Simmons Makes Me Laugh Out Loud

I love it when "Sports Guy" Bill Simmons dips into the mailbag:
Q: If you had the No. 1 pick in a death pool draft, would you go with Britney Spears or Amy Winehouse?
-- Mike P., Morristown, N.J.

SG: I'll do this in super-intense, face-turning-red, Todd McShay mode ...

"Mike, Amy Winehouse has to to be the No. 1 pick. This girl has every tool you'd want: She's addicted to drugs; she has no concern about her own safety; she hangs out with other people who do drugs; and the song 'Rehab' feels like a self-eulogy every time she sings it! I judge my No. 1 picks in a death pool by one thing: If CNN reports that he or she died, would I be remotely surprised? In the case of Amy Winehouse? NO! I would not be surprised! As for Britney, her stock has been falling with GMs across the league -- she's finally getting help, she's on bipolar meds and she jettisoned some of the negative influences in her life. We're starting to hear whispers that she might drop out of the top five. I've had GMs tell me that Mary Kate Olsen and Dennis Rodman have moved ahead of Britney on their boards ..."
Heck, yeah.

Hacked Sauce

Last night I made barbecue. I didn't have time to make a sauce from scratch, so I decided to "hack" a store-bought source and use up a number of almost-empty items in the pantry. The result was pretty tasty and felt almost homemade. Here's the recipe:
• Empty two containers of Kansas City-style -- thick and sweet -- barbecue sauce into a saucepan and turn on the heat to medium. I used Trader Joe's "Natural Barbecue Sauce."
• Add a shot glass -- or two -- of scotch, bourbon or other hard liquor of the "brown" sort. I used one of Seagram's and one of Applejack, which had been biding time in our store of supplies since a Thanksgiving dinner back in the early 1990s.
• Add a can of tomato sauce.
• Add the equivalent of six garlic cloves. I used the Israeli frozen cubes from Trader Joe's.
• Add a tablespoon of vinegar. I used apple cider vinegar.
• Add two tablespoons of a liquid sweetener, such as molasses or honey. I used this neat product I found at Trader Joe's last night, Blue Agave nectar.
• Add a teaspoon of soy sauce.
• Add a teaspoon of Tabasco sauce or equivalent.
• Add more red chiles to taste. I used this thick Thai-style chile sauce that Trader Joe's is presently selling, which gets its viscosity from tapioca. It worked great, because it didn't need to be reduced.
• Add the juice of one lemon.
• Slice two or three more lemons so that there are four slices per lemon. Put the slices into the sauce.
• Simmer until the liquor has given up its alcohol and the sauce has the density you desire.
The best thing about this sauce is that it really clung to the ____ I was grilling. Maybe the tapioca in the chile sauce helped. But it was like barbecue napalm.
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