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Wiederarschholung - De File
Does Collecting Make You Feel Dirty?
cbertsch
cbertsch
Wiederarschholung
"It's not me," I keep telling myself. But no matter how many times I repeat the mantra, I remain convinced that it is me after all, no matter how bald the protestations to the contrary. What's worse, this conviction insidiously works its way into the part of my mind that prevents me from doing dumb things, restraining my powers of restraint. Soon I'm trying to intervene in the situation, even though I still recognize that intervention may well be the least desirable course of action. Then, when my gesture of engagement is ignored or repudiated, I become indignant over the fact that my efforts go unappreciated. Finally, I end up back where I started, only with a twist. Now I insist out loud that, "It's not me," even as it dawns on me that it is. The best part is that this conviction, initially false in the majority of cases, now turns out to be correct. In the end, I've managed to turn falsehood into truth by becoming the bad guy I'd imagined myself accused of being.
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Comments
elizabeg From: elizabeg Date: February 23rd, 2005 08:35 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Is it because it seems (or is) so me that I love the syntax of this, even if I feel for the convolutions of the sentiment as well? Oh for the twist or turn of mind, I say, and periodic pronouns. Will tell sometime of what this has to do with Yorick but that's not the paper I'm supposed to be writing this term so I'm trying not to think of it. I'll just say this sounds very genealogy of taloned birds to me. With a twist.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 23rd, 2005 02:37 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I know what you mean, but I could/should have done a better job editing. It doesn't quite compress down into the box I'd hoped for. That is, I was trying for an effect that you are a master of, yet ended up short of the mark.
elizabeg From: elizabeg Date: February 24th, 2005 07:51 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Ah, but then you break the box and all sorts of hell comes streaming out, and then the streaming seems to suggest the box may have been broken all along, not a box at all, and then and then seems not so much the point. But I know what you mean.

More than that, your comment in all its compression made me happy this morning. Thank you.
somemonad From: somemonad Date: February 23rd, 2005 02:31 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Oh, I've enacted this scenario many times myself. "Badguyness" reveals itself to be a slippery performance.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 23rd, 2005 02:38 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Sometimes I think, "Why not just be the bad guy you were born to be, instead of deferring the pain?"
commonalgebra From: commonalgebra Date: February 23rd, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

'cos evil's not my cup of tea

I wish I had an evil twin,
Running 'round doing people in.
I wish I had a very bad
And evil twin to do my will.
To cull and conquer, cut and kill.
Just like I would if I weren't good
And if I knew where to begin

--stephin merritt
somemonad From: somemonad Date: February 23rd, 2005 09:17 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Unfortunately, the kind I'm born to be involves that sort of circuitousness.
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