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Five Year Plan - De File
Does Collecting Make You Feel Dirty?
cbertsch
cbertsch
Five Year Plan
Talking to Kim yesterday about her depression at realizing that she probably isn't going to do much more in her life than she is already doing, I was reminded how hard it is for me to think about the distant future.

The only anxiety I recall having about what would happen to me ten, twenty years down the road was my childhood fear that I wouldn't be rich enough to buy a Porsche 911 before they stopped making them.

Well, the folks at Zuffenhausen segued straight to the Carrera 2, which I will almost certainly never be able to afford and probably wouldn't want anyway. So I can't say that I'm sad about my failure to achieve my childhood goal.

Irony aside, I wonder whether there's something wrong with me. Shouldn't I be envisioning my retirement, like some of my colleagues? Shouldn't I be worrying whether I'm going to be all that I can be?

Maybe I need a Five Year Plan.

Mode: dry
Muse: The dryer in the laundry room nearby

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Comments
From: (Anonymous) Date: December 17th, 2003 05:41 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

future

I have never been able to make myself think about the future. When I went to grad school I never thought about being a professor. I guess I always assumed that the future would just happen, and that turned out to be right. Lately I have made stabs at thinking of the future, but I am so depressive I just think--ahhh, yes. Maybe all this will be over soon! I say the word "retirement" as a mantra because the b.s. at work can be really annoying. But I have no vision of what retirement is. My dad thinks that the world will end when the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. I don't like to say this stuff to people with kids because of course they worry about their kids' futures, but I really dig the idea of planetary annihilation. In a way I guess that means I've achieved my life's goals, whatever they are.
Sincerely,
Susan
From: (Anonymous) Date: December 17th, 2003 06:13 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I don't think you need a plan unless you want one. Most people find me and my plans ridiculous. Whenever I call Scott and say, "Guess what I'm doing?" he will say -- Wait, is this on the one-year plan or the twelve year plan?
I think the reason that I make my "plans" (and I'm the only person I know apart from my brother's boyfriend who even HAS a plan) is because it helps me to feel good about the things I don't have in my life right now. For example, I often miss urban life and, especially, museums and theater and all of that. I miss having more control over my environment -- it's wearing having so much junk everywhere that I'm always cleaning, and so much cooking and caretaking to be doing. It isn't that I don't like it, it's that I like to remember that I once was and will again be someone who isn't just or mostly a mom. So my plans are ways to preserve and define a part of me that just can't be fully present right now, at least not in the way that I run my life. I don't think it matters if I even do retire to NY, it just matters that I hold on to the idea for now.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: December 17th, 2003 06:52 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

Taurean?

The astrologically minded would say that I'm being a typical Taurus, I suppose.

I actually enjoy hearing about others' plans for the future. It's almost like hearing about their lovelife.

It's just that I don't think that way myself. My mother seems to think that it's a symptom of Attention Deficit Disorder. But then again, she's wheat and dairy intolerant.

All this Zen self-help stuff I read -- for a project I may never finish -- goes on about the importance of not thinking about the past or the future. I fail on the former so much that my success on the latter probably means nothing.
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