Charlie Bertsch (cbertsch) wrote,
Charlie Bertsch
cbertsch

Deixis

Funny how everything overlaps. I just assumed, since you're such an astute reader, that you had gathered more than you had. Things are strange in my life. I'm not sure what I can say yet or even how I would say it if I knew for sure what is sayable. But you're implicated for reasons that have little to do with any "you" you are likely to recognize. This shift came as a big shock to me, as you may well imagine, but I've reconciled myself to the new reality for the most part. I naturally thought of you, since you were there the last time that was going on in our lives. For all the out-of-control stuff back then, I remember those times very fondly. We talked at great length and with supreme honesty and delicacy. I'm glad to have become reacquainted. I'll do my best not to overwhelm you with the intensity of my feelings.

I've been acting horribly, in large measure, because I've been feeling both horribly jealous and horrible about feeling that way. I'm sick of being talked about behind my back. I'm sick of being condescended to by someone who makes it known how much busier he is than I am. I'm sick of getting absolutely nowhere in conversation after conversation. I could use a little more adoration -- couldn't we all? -- and a little less resentment. I would prefer less combustible conversation dynamics. I'm all for expansion of angles; I wonder sometimes where I fit in.

We're both tired, obviously. Our work is stressful and the psychological toll of all the intensity, good and bad, we've been enduring is mounting. I am sorry things took such a dramatic turn for the worse. We had a really great talk. I'm glad that we've been able to move past our initial reflexes to sort things out. Even if we don't end up agreeing, I feel like we've beaten back the forces of darkness just a teeny bit by not giving up on the hope of meaningful communication. I don't think that it's very likely, at least in the short term, that I will pursue anything too disruptive.

What is it in me that wants what I can never have because to have it would be for it to cease to be? Irrational fear is the motor of desire. People think I'm squarely in the middle, but my mind is always on edge. Actually, I was always in favor of that degree of openness in theory, but theory and practice are not always in sync. I've been listening to Tom Waits's Closing Time over the past few days. Romantic in an obvious way but still awesome. When can I hear your voice again? I'll eat up your words. It's the power to divide that pulls me closer.
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