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Deixis - De File
Does Collecting Make You Feel Dirty?
cbertsch
cbertsch
Deixis
Funny how everything overlaps. I just assumed, since you're such an astute reader, that you had gathered more than you had. Things are strange in my life. I'm not sure what I can say yet or even how I would say it if I knew for sure what is sayable. But you're implicated for reasons that have little to do with any "you" you are likely to recognize. This shift came as a big shock to me, as you may well imagine, but I've reconciled myself to the new reality for the most part. I naturally thought of you, since you were there the last time that was going on in our lives. For all the out-of-control stuff back then, I remember those times very fondly. We talked at great length and with supreme honesty and delicacy. I'm glad to have become reacquainted. I'll do my best not to overwhelm you with the intensity of my feelings.

I've been acting horribly, in large measure, because I've been feeling both horribly jealous and horrible about feeling that way. I'm sick of being talked about behind my back. I'm sick of being condescended to by someone who makes it known how much busier he is than I am. I'm sick of getting absolutely nowhere in conversation after conversation. I could use a little more adoration -- couldn't we all? -- and a little less resentment. I would prefer less combustible conversation dynamics. I'm all for expansion of angles; I wonder sometimes where I fit in.

We're both tired, obviously. Our work is stressful and the psychological toll of all the intensity, good and bad, we've been enduring is mounting. I am sorry things took such a dramatic turn for the worse. We had a really great talk. I'm glad that we've been able to move past our initial reflexes to sort things out. Even if we don't end up agreeing, I feel like we've beaten back the forces of darkness just a teeny bit by not giving up on the hope of meaningful communication. I don't think that it's very likely, at least in the short term, that I will pursue anything too disruptive.

What is it in me that wants what I can never have because to have it would be for it to cease to be? Irrational fear is the motor of desire. People think I'm squarely in the middle, but my mind is always on edge. Actually, I was always in favor of that degree of openness in theory, but theory and practice are not always in sync. I've been listening to Tom Waits's Closing Time over the past few days. Romantic in an obvious way but still awesome. When can I hear your voice again? I'll eat up your words. It's the power to divide that pulls me closer.
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Comments
siyeh From: siyeh Date: July 27th, 2005 07:24 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I'm stuck by the difference in your prose here. It's good.

And whatever else, you're still able to exist in the outside world with grace.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: July 27th, 2005 05:12 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Thanks you. I'm starting to experiment with a form of prose distinct from my "normal" voice -- or, rather, resuming an earlier period of experimentation exemplified by that postcard I put up yesterday -- in which I avoid my usual dedication to hypotaxis -- subordinate clauses galore -- in favor of parataxis where the chasm between sentences threats to send the reader forced to leap across hurtling toward the death of sense.
elizabeg From: elizabeg Date: July 27th, 2005 07:30 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Such reaching--

I always feel the middle as the edge.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: July 27th, 2005 05:09 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
It all depends where and how you touch.
elizabeg From: elizabeg Date: July 27th, 2005 05:28 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
It's funny (no, not funny but whatever people mean to put into the gap when they instead put funny) but I woke up and read and thought that always was perhaps too fierce. Not false exactly and yet not the thing I meant to mean since what I meant was to have troubled time, to own the way it troubles me.

I think what I mean is something more like how sometimes (sometimes!) I feel that it can be distinctly possible to fall into the gap and feel it as an edging all around. So you lose neither and you have and do not have the all of what you thought you wanted to be wanting. I do. This is something fiercely difficult. I trail--
hollsterhambone From: hollsterhambone Date: July 27th, 2005 07:27 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
This gave me heart palpitations (in a good way--it feels suspenseful). The second person does that to me.

It feels very...private. I am drawn to it.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: July 27th, 2005 11:38 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Glad to hear that. I wanted something that felt private, but was still abstract.
From: zokah Date: July 27th, 2005 09:13 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I think it's interesting this post, less oblique and theory-oriented than others of yours, draws more comments from your female readership. I haven't noticed before, but I wonder if the case could be made when feelings are mentioned a more female response is engendered.

Again, Performer. Audience.

It all leaves me very curious and wandering the hallways of my mind.

Captivating post indeed.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: July 27th, 2005 11:37 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I'm always a little leery of distinctions that break down to the "fact" of gender difference, but you may have something here. KDD, of course, has plenty of male commentators, though largely gay ones, who respond to her intensely felt entries. Perhaps it's that when a man writes of feelings in an unmediated way it brings about a certain response in female readers. Those are nice hallways to wander!
From: (Anonymous) Date: July 28th, 2005 10:25 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

Hang Tough Big Guy

lovely writing, tough stuff. you know you rule.

J
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: July 29th, 2005 05:26 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

Re: Hang Tough Big Guy

Thanks! I wish I didn't have so many friends whose name starts with "J". It's very confusing. . . :-)
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