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Mind on the Brink - De File
Does Collecting Make You Feel Dirty?
Mind on the Brink
I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being old. It's just a little after 10pm and I feel like the sky is about to grow lighter in the east. I think people would understand drug abuse a lot better if they were mindful of the ways in which the capacity to push oneself to the limit decreases exponentially after one's early twenties. I shudder at the sight of those grandmother's at our local Wal-Mart who chew holes in their mouths while working the graveyard shift. But I have enormous sympathy for them. People get high to forget about the pressures of work. And they get high to cope with them too. If you can't fall asleep anyway, mind-numbing repetition becomes much easier to tolerate.

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16 comments or Leave a comment
masoo From: masoo Date: November 18th, 2007 06:34 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
What he said.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: November 18th, 2007 07:58 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Thanks. Stay tuned for my rant about "energy" drinks, which, though I drink them, strike me as prime example of everything that's getting worse about our society.
tpratt From: tpratt Date: November 19th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I would love to read what you think about energy drinks. Wal-Mart is a terrifying place. I hate it with a sickening intensity. I feel bad for the people who work there, but I don't like them or the other people who shop there. That makes me a bad person, I suppose.

I haven't had more than 7 hours of sleep in the past 4 months, and usually average closer to 4 or 5. I'm tired almost all of the time. I'm writing about it, but I don't know if I'll ever finish it or put it on my journal. Bet you're hearing Carly Simon and envisioning a big bottle of ketchup right now, aren't you.
jstgerma From: jstgerma Date: November 18th, 2007 06:42 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I think early 20s is just right. When I was bartending and adjuncting I was 25, and I could feel the ability to go to sleep at 5 a.m. and wake up at 9 to teach eroding.

On the flip side, I was sort of hoping the bad habit of sleeping till noon would go away when I got older. It hasn't. I guess I'll have to get a real job.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: November 18th, 2007 07:59 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Or enter a parallel universe where you have an eight-year-old kid. That gurantees that you won't be sleeping in until noon!
e_compass_rosa From: e_compass_rosa Date: November 18th, 2007 07:17 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Damn but I am tired of being tired. A big part of my problem is that my level of self-care is at an all-time low. That's gotta change soon.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: November 18th, 2007 08:00 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Exercise does help, as I've discovered over the past fifteen months. But I get tired anyway.
_luaineach From: _luaineach Date: November 18th, 2007 07:40 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I always feel as if i am missing out because we don't have those people at *our* WalMart, and they seem such fodder for [your guys'] life. I watch, every time I go there, for evidence of a coke connection, but I'm always disappointed. :(

The only thing that makes me feel old is hearing what I call the "coke birds".... every so often a few birds will start their calling in the middle of the night and, if you are still up, it makes you feel as if it is morning when it really isn't. "coke birds" because of course you always heard the birds greet sunrise well before you could see it, back then. These "coke birds" however, are just birds going off at midnight! That's not right!

Otherwise, I don't think there could have conceivably been better years than the ones from 35+. I'm already assuming they will get even better once I turn 39 in January, just because everything seems to be better in years in which I am an odd number, but otherwise...... I couldn't imagine being [insert searching mindlessness from 19-21 years old] other than I am *now*.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: November 18th, 2007 08:04 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Not coke. Speed. Big difference. Coke manifests itself in surface appearance, certainly, but in other ways.

When I'm at Wal-Mart, it's often between 12 midnight and 3am. That's when I see the highest percentage of people who are either presently using or who have used so much in the past that they've permanently altered their faces.

Maybe you shop in those hours too, but I like to think that you're sleeping, since you write so enticingly about sleeping. I feel refreshed just reading about your lazy days, when you have the chance to have them.
_luaineach From: _luaineach Date: November 18th, 2007 03:21 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Not coke. Speed. Big difference. Coke manifests itself in surface appearance, certainly, but in other ways.

As someone who spent years doing both, I know that. :) But, someone who gets meth regularly invariably knows someone who deals coke; I have never in my life experienced it to be otherwise.

Yeah, I'm never at the store between midnight and 3 am! I'm hardly ever at the store at all, since I do all my shopping online (I'm waiting for when they tear down all the stores and put in parks! with ponds!) but those would be the hours that if I absolutely needed something that I can't think of right now right then, that I would send one of the boys if I could manage it. But, I can't imagine anything that couldn't' wait until morning! :)

Glad my comment was intelligible; came in to read it this morning because I was just in from the bar when I wrote it and extremely merry drunk!
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: November 18th, 2007 03:50 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
But you must have done a lot more coke than speed, because otherwise you wouldn't be so attractive. . .


If I could write like that when I was merrily drunk, I wouldn't be so tired!
From: e4q Date: November 18th, 2007 01:48 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

welcome to my world

though i don't actually recommend it. i am currently using a buzzer to pace my activity and inactivity. i have stupidly low baselines so just have it set for 10 minutes. pacing for a normal person, however, means resting for 10 mins per hour or 20 per 2 hours. i can guarantee that if you do it you will have overall more time being active. (even on my meagre rations i get more done using the buzzer, and if i get up and potter around when i am having duvet days i get the added bonus of reducing bone loss)
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: November 18th, 2007 03:53 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

Re: welcome to my world

Interesting. So what does "resting" mean in that context? I think I'm on too much of a binge-and-purge diet when it comes to rest.
From: e4q Date: November 18th, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

Re: welcome to my world

for me it means lying down. there was a time when i was teaching and it was possible to finish a lesson and just lie on the floor. that worked. as little stimulation as possible for the resting, i think. music maybe. depends on the person and the severity of physical pain/fatigue. but if you measured a regular boom and bust day against a paced day i think you would be surprised how much more you get done and how refreshed you feel during it. i didn't just make it up, it is used in pain management as a basic tool.
flw From: flw Date: November 18th, 2007 10:23 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)


Imagine the grandmas in China living in dormitories, factory-adjacent, 12 women to a room (4 beds, they sleep in shifts). 12 hours of work, 6 hours to yourself, 6 hours of sleep, 6 days a week. They are making the stuff you buy in Walmart. In the 14th - 17th century in Europe the very first act of every Revolution was the destruction of the clock tower. The fault is not in ourselves, it is in the stars. You are not meant to sleep the way you do. Just because you were more resilient as a youngin'

Gawd! Could you imagine working the night shift at Walmart? Have you gotten the creepy girl with some sort of developmental disorder that has left her with eerie DUNE style blue eyes? And you can tell that Walmart at night turns into some sort of "independent contractor" model of labor, because all of the former prisoners and meth-heads who staff the place seem to have no consciousness of the fact that they are working there. It's kind of like they happened into the place and someone offered them a dollar to put all these paper towels on the shelf, only that's been happening every few minutes and at some point someone put a blue vest on them.

They give the impression of the richest hobos in town. They have "jobs" yes, but their internal model of what they are doing has more in common with a hobo's existence than anything else. It's like they've stumbled onto a really good corner, not found a job. When I am in Walmart late at night, I am scared of the employees the same way I am scared of hobos. I walk by them quickly, hoping they won't notice me. I try to look like I don't have any money.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: November 19th, 2007 12:01 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

Re: temp

Yes, I have the same impression of many of those late-night Wal-Mart employees, the ones who stock the shelves and such. The checkers are more agitated because they are under much stricter scrutiny.

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