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Refusal and Surrender - De File
Does Collecting Make You Feel Dirty?
cbertsch
cbertsch
Refusal and Surrender
It's silly, sometimes, what we refuse to surrender. A few minutes ago I was at the kitchen sink, standing on what felt like my last legs of the day, and realized that I wasn't going to get anything else accomplished unless I stirred my heartbeat with a little exercise. A set of pushups or crunches would flood me with enough adrenalin to get another hour of work in. Yet I resisted the impulse to act because I actually liked the way my legs felt, thick with the desire to do no more. The dense red sauce I'd eaten over pasta earlier was still blowing on the embers of my impulse to be useless and I was warmed by the glow. In the end, I managed to motivate myself to go in the bedroom and do a light arm workout with the stretchy yoga device I purchased on clearance from Marshall's. And that's why I'm sitting here at the computer writing instead of languorously ignoring my future on the sofa. But I'm waiting eagerly for that longing for oblivion to return. It's starting to inch its way up from my toes as I type this sentence.

Tags: , ,
Current Location: 85704
Muse: a memory of "Jungleland"

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Comments
From: babyiwasshot Date: December 11th, 2007 04:22 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
It's silly, sometimes, what we refuse to surrender.

Reminds me of that essay Orwell wrote about witnessing a hanging in Burma: as the condemned walks to the gallows, he makes sure to avoid stepping in a puddle--anything to feel human; anything to feel like you're in control, no matter how small.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: December 11th, 2007 05:04 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I remember that image. It really sticks with one.

To make a leap across the canyon, I went from writing this to having an irresistible urge to read Beckett, which I indulged. Then I cleaned out the remainder of the objects in the garage that had been preventing me from putting the car with the sunroof broken in the open position inside it for shelter.
masoo From: masoo Date: December 11th, 2007 04:54 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Fuckin' A ... I hate to ride the coattails of your misery, but you've done it again! Made me nostalgic for feelings I've medicated out of my system. "Longing for oblivion" ... that could be the title of my first album.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: December 11th, 2007 05:05 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I was happy! At least in the short-term sense. Some turn to heroin and some to pasta. . .
hollsterhambone From: hollsterhambone Date: December 11th, 2007 11:26 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Ohhhh, yes. I had an illicit hamburger last night (illicit due to the Guinness sauce poured over it and melted cheese and bacon on top). And fries. And I felt so good, afterwards, sliding into my sheets and drifting off to sleep. Mmmmmmm, meat.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: December 11th, 2007 12:14 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Food-induced stupor is awesome!
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