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Draping a Tie-Dyed Wrap Over the Lampshade - De File — LiveJournal
Does Collecting Make You Feel Dirty?
cbertsch
cbertsch
Draping a Tie-Dyed Wrap Over the Lampshade
I'm in the process of making changes in my life, both big and small. If past experience is any guide, almost nobody who reads this will have the slightest idea what I'm talking about, unless the subject is sports. Still, I wanted you to know. My first priority, after taking care of necessities, is to spend more of my time doing what I find rewarding instead of trying to please people who reward my exertions with indifference or malice. Lately I've been musing on how much of my energy has been devoted to matters where the fruits of my labor do not matter. I suppose this is ironic, given all the work I've done over the years on behalf of voluntary projects. What I require now is a means of distinguishing between the sort of volunteering that is its own reward and the sort that "rewards" me with frustration and anguish. That's one of the reasons why I've begun the process of attempting, belatedly, to reconnect with Bad Subjects. And it's also why I'm composing this entry in an unusually direct vein. It's time to move on, now. I have hundreds of tasks ahead of me before I sleep, the desire to collapse in a snowdrift be damned.

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Current Location: 85704

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Comments
chefxh From: chefxh Date: February 5th, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
instead of trying to please people who reward my exertions with indifference or malice.

Okay, today I could have written this (only not so cleanly).
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 5th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I guess a lot of people have that problem. But I also think that my "Friends" list is skewed in that direction because I tend to like people who share my preferences. The hard part is not hardening into the sort of individual I despise. I want to harden myself to the hard, but not at the expense of my capacity to be soft when it matters.
kdotdammit From: kdotdammit Date: February 9th, 2008 03:46 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Reading that phrase here just brought me to tears because I cannot believe how hurtful people are to those who do good and that they would hurt someone so close to me who has given of himself so generously. That phrase is spoken so clearly and brought to the fore so much that I have been feeling in seeing the real selfish horror of humanity brought way way way too close to home.
masoo From: masoo Date: February 5th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
"What I require now is a means of distinguishing between the sort of volunteering that is its own reward and the sort that 'rewards' me with frustration and anguish."

Very nicely stated. The only thing I'd change? I'd remove the word "now."
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 5th, 2008 08:52 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
:-0

It's like being an addict in recovery. Whenever you think you have it for longer than "now," it seems to slip away. Hence the need that replenishes itself indefinitely.
From: batdina Date: February 5th, 2008 09:02 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
speaking as someone with slightly more information than what you think about sports, let me know if you need anything from this end of the continent. I'll have more time as the year edges into summer, but I want to make myself available now rather than later.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 5th, 2008 09:10 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I will. I don't know that I still have your proper e-mail address, BTW. I'm the same as this @ gmail.com or comcast.net or mac.com.

And, yes, I probably could use some advice.

P.S. I keep forgetting that I'm logged into my teaching account. Arggggh!
e_compass_rosa From: e_compass_rosa Date: February 5th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I'm here if you ever need support, in whatever ways I can offer.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 6th, 2008 01:10 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Thank you! It's nice to feel the presence of a safety net, even if it's dispersed over the internet.
jakemacalister From: jakemacalister Date: February 5th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Why do I have images of Frost sledging through my head?

J
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 6th, 2008 01:15 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Ooh, "sledging" is an excellent gerund!
From: babyiwasshot Date: February 5th, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
to spend more of my time doing what I find rewarding instead of trying to please people who reward my exertions with indifference or malice

Considering that this is America, isn't this a fairly lofty and idealistic goal? The antithesis of this pretty much DEFINES what it's like to live in America; moreover, people can only reward another when they're 100% certain that your efforts are the cause of something beneficial to 'em. Just a thought, given that I often have the same form of stress.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 6th, 2008 01:13 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I share your pessimism of the intellect. But I also believe that I'm more likely to improve my situation with a little optimism of the will as a chaser!
leela_cat From: leela_cat Date: February 5th, 2008 11:47 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Changes are fucking hard. All those endings and beginnings just pile up on each other.

If there's anything I can do to help you with whatever changes you're in the middle of, let me know. And if there's nothing I can do, just know that there are lots of us out here who care about you and are cheering in your box, okay?
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 6th, 2008 01:14 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Thank you. I may come calling with concrete requests. For now, it's awesome to feel your support. I'm so grateful to have friends like you.
leela_cat From: leela_cat Date: February 6th, 2008 02:08 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
I'll be around. Just call when you need.

I like having you for a friend as well.
elizabeg From: elizabeg Date: February 6th, 2008 02:51 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Please do remember there are many--many--in your cheering section.
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