The Grade Keeps Increasing and My Brakes Are Nearly Shot
Today I realized that I reached my intellectual peak in 1993. I'm not sure it has been downhill ever since -- I recall plateaus with the occasional rise along the way -- but the overall trend has not indicated an ascent to greatness. Bearing this depressing realization in mind, I have decided that I need to do a series of things to get back on track:
• Grow my remaining hair as long as I can • Start smoking again • Curl up on the sofa with a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate cookie dough ice cream and watch my tapes of MTV's 120 Minutes while fantasizing about Sarah McLachlan's dreamy raven-hued tresses • Wear baseball caps backwards, even on "formal" occasions • Read a lot of Pierre Bourdieu • Listen to Pavement incessantly • Spend long hours conversing about international literature on the sly • Take a trip to the Pacific Northwest • Eat more microwaveable meals • Exercise less • Live in a place where I can where chamois shirts • Wear chamois shirts • Start smoking again • Wait, did I already mention that? • Start smoking again
I'm hoping that, if I stick resolutely to these vows, that my chronic depression will turn into chronic productivity. Even better, when Sleater-Kinney comes on the scene again, I'll be ready to clip every mention of the band for my files. It would make the chapter I'm writing a lot easier if I'd done so the first time around.