September 22, 2008
Dateline: Washington D.C.
As part of its plan to win over environmentally conscious voters, John McCain's Presidential campaign today announced plans to increase its use of recycled material. The campaign had already set records by having Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin deliver the same address over a dozen times in succession, thereby saving fuel that would have been squandered by speechwriters burning the midnight oil. Now, a stepped-up conservation effort has led to the imposition of strict emissions controls on the debate Palin will be having with her Democratic counterpart.Coupled with McCain's decision to recycle Carl Rove's playbook from 2000 and 2004 and the use of graphics that facilitate condensation -- see above -- and route the droplets into water retention basins, these moves signal that the Republican Party's standard-bearer is serious about changing the culture of Washington. The products for sale at the campaign's online store also testify to the depth of its commitment to going green. Although McCain nixed the notion of selling a line of hemp attire, he offered the brilliant suggestion of a superior alternative. "As someone who spent far too much of my life on the wrong side of bamboo barriers, I can assure you that their sturdiness cannot be surpassed. Indeed, I like to think that my own moral fiber was reinforced by their powerful -- and, let's not forget, green -- example."