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At Least I'm Not Judge Schreber - De File
Does Collecting Make You Feel Dirty?
cbertsch
cbertsch
At Least I'm Not Judge Schreber
Lately I've been forced to take stock of my good and bad points more directly than I would have liked. Still, there's something to be said for seeing things in the indicative. One thing I've come to realize, in reflecting on where my days frequently go awry, is that I seem, like a spaceship in one of those post-60s sci-fi stories, to have lost most of the functionality of my protective shields. Trouble I might once have noted in the abstract -- "Look, crew members, there are intergalactic pirates waiting over there in the narrow passage between the planet Zorkoff and its closest moon" -- but not been affected by is now likely to pose a threat to my sense of well-being. I am vulnerable to hits, to extend the conceit, and seem to be taking them on an increasingly regular basis.

Mind you, some of these hits feel welcome. Little moments of happiness feel big right now. And I find my eyes filling with sincere tears at songs and films that would once have made them wet with uncontrollable laughter. Even when I say, "Baby, hit me one more time," though, the effect of the blow is still destabilizing. I am easily sent off course, for better and -- more often -- worse. What I would like to discover is a way of reconstructing the shields I had in my late teens, when I was emotionally impervious to most of the stimulus in my environment, but with modifications that would make them retractable. Pills aren't going to cut it. Nor is the pride I took back then in being as detached as possible. Maybe all the reading and thinking I've done about Zen over the past decade can now find a practical outlet. Or maybe I just want to start consuming more science fiction.

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Comments
From: e4q Date: February 16th, 2009 05:38 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

silly!

reading about zen won't give you the buddha superpowers!

you have to DO the practice. you know who you might like? pema chodron. she does a couple of guided meditations you can get on cd, with lots of extra talking on them. one of the catch phrases i have picked up from her is 'hold your seat' which sounds like what you want to get out of meditation.

i also very much like gil fronsdal who teaches out of spirit rock. his stuff is free http://www.audiodharma.org/talks-gil.html
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 16th, 2009 12:27 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

Re: silly!

I know, I know! But I wish I could meditate by reading. It's so hard for me to breathe right. I know that's something that meditation would help with. I just need to force myself. Thanks for the tips.
From: e4q Date: February 16th, 2009 01:29 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)

Re: breathing

i forgot about your breathing. while breathing has a structure that is useful to meditate with, it is not the only game in town. one of the purposes of meditation is to develop single pointed attention, and that can be done concentrating on the flame of a candle just as easily as on the breath. also, there are meditations like the metta bhavana, for instance, which don't require focusing on the breath. check it out here http://www.freebuddhistaudio.com/
i don't always have the most comfortable breath, so i sympathise. it is less that i am snuffly nowadays than i sometimes hyperventilate a little with some styles. there is one which involves counting breaths which i hate!
bitterlawngnome From: bitterlawngnome Date: February 16th, 2009 12:17 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
For me I find that if I make a list of things to do during a day and can actually cross some of them off, it offers some protection against the creeping hopelessness thing. Some days the list starts with "get out of bed". Also helps keep me focussed when the emotional weather threatens to be overwhelming.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 16th, 2009 12:28 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Thanks for the advice. I just did it for today. My problem in the past with task lists is that I get so fixated on the list that I never get to the tasks. I tried keeping it short and sweet this time and feel less overwhelmed. I'll keep at it.
bitterlawngnome From: bitterlawngnome Date: February 16th, 2009 12:36 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
it's not advice exactly, that would involve a lot more discussion about what works for you LOL

this is just what works for me.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 16th, 2009 12:47 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Right. Still, if I pretend that it was advice, as I did, and it works, then it can retroactively be classified as good advice!
bitterlawngnome From: bitterlawngnome Date: February 16th, 2009 12:50 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
and I get to add it to my "look I actually got something useful done today!" list
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 16th, 2009 12:59 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Excellent!

Off to the hospital, which is on my list for today. . .
tommix From: tommix Date: February 16th, 2009 01:58 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
The unconscious knows no no.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 18th, 2009 03:32 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
No?

I'm glad you saw my subject header, which was meant to lure you in.
tommix From: tommix Date: February 18th, 2009 12:13 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Yes!
tommix From: tommix Date: February 18th, 2009 12:17 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Don't you think the fantasy that you're impregnated by god is kind of self-aggrandizing? It's like that eight embryo lady.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 18th, 2009 12:38 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Either that or it's an awfully good excuse for infidelity.
tommix From: tommix Date: February 18th, 2009 01:36 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
You mean, "Don't blame me. I was with God in a hotel room" actually works as an excuse?
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: February 21st, 2009 06:34 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
It's less racially charged than saying you were in a hotel room with Kobe Bryant, certainly.
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