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Discharged - De File — LiveJournal
Does Collecting Make You Feel Dirty?
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alsoname From: alsoname Date: November 14th, 2010 06:40 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Probably repeating what has already been said, but: I, too, know that feeling. I probably have deleted most entries that made me feel like that, after swearing to myself never to vomit myself up into the written form ever again, especially in such a vulnerable (read: unseemly) manner. But on the other hand, one thing I have recently realized is that over a lifetime I have built up all these defense mechanisms in which I keep myself closed off from others, and while I feel it protects me from negative interpersonal experiences, it also "protects" me from positive interpersonal experiences, which can only arise from opening up and getting closer. It really sucks, because I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too.
cbertsch From: cbertsch Date: November 15th, 2010 01:19 am (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Exactly. I'd love to have my cake and eat it too. But I'm not sure I can live with myself for trying to realize that ambition. To tell the truth, most of my entries of a non-sports and non-music nature have been of the "vomit" kind. Because they were carefully cloaked, however, I could take pleasure in my refusal to be obvious instead of zeroing in on the reasons why I should be disgusted with myself. For whatever reason, I'm less disgusted with my ridiculous arrogance than I am with the nakedness of my interpersonal feelings.
alsoname From: alsoname Date: November 21st, 2010 05:55 pm (UTC) (LINK TO SPECIFIC ENTRY)
Sorry for the belated reply -- if you've seen my journal lately, you'll know my life has taken a crazy turn.

I definitely understand this disgust you speak of. Speaking for myself, I don't think it sounds as vomitous (that's a word, right?) and disgusting to others as it might to you. It is certainly less solipsistic than the carefully cloaked messages of the past. I hope you will continue to write, if not for an audience (even the limited audience of a locked LJ entry), then at least for yourself.
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